Once again, I have been tasked with grabbing food to sustain us through the ceremony (as a result of being the most fully dressed in non-pajama clothes), so Brian will be guest-blogging until I return triumphantly bearing tikka masala and nan.
Brian says:
- some 11 year-old kid from the descendants. haven't seen the movie, but it seems depressing.
- this commentator guy named ross is wearing a big red bowtie...and he sounds like a eunuch.
- titanic 3d commercial. i saw that movie in theaters when i was in 5th grade...with my mom, sister, aunt, and great grandmother. awkward to say the least.
- my favorite betting props for the oscars - will the winner for best actress cry (yes -145, no +100); and over/under for mentions of Rooney Mara's nipple piercing. i'm setting it at 1.5, and going with the over. betting can help increase interest in almost anything...the potential to win $80 in my office pool will have me locked in.
Aaaand I'm back. Penny is rolling around on the floor and we are rolling around in Indian food. (Story of our lives).
5:53 – Someone from The Artist is wearing something eco-friendly. Last year we had seen pretty much all of the major nominated movies, but this year we are sorely lacking, especially since The Artist is supposed to win everything and we haven't seen it. Womp.
5:55 – Brian just said George Clooney has already been mentioned like ten times. If only we had made a bet on that.
(commercial/food break)
6:00 – It looks like there are glittery pineapples coming out of Giuliana's boobs.
6:06 – Wolfgang Puck is explaining the 12 dishes served to the guests. I want to go to there. Also, it's a little bit ridiculous that there will be so much food and 90% of the women there won't be able to breathe, much less eat. If I ever make it to the Oscars, remind me to wear something comfy so I can eat that shiz.
6:09 – Rose Byrne is wearing something black and sparkly. She has a bob and semi-severe bangs, which, okay, she can pull anything off, but I miss her gorgeous long(er) locks. Also I have recently become obsessed with Damages, which she is fabulous in. Also, can we talk about how TINY her ears are? Seriously, look at anyone else's ears and then look at hers. MICROSCOPIC.
6:12 – Now several of the Bridesmaids ladies are making their way through. I want to be friends with them. Ellie Kemper is wearing a great copper color.
6:19 – Ahh, Clooney has been sighted. Expect Ryan and Giuliana to start manic name-dropping any minute now. Also, thank you Tom and Lorenzo, because I recognized what Clooney's gal pal Stacy Keibler was wearing without anyone saying anything.
6:21 – Ooooh! My other girlcrush Jessica Chastain is looking fabulous in something black and gold. Her lil red head looks so good.
6:22 – Shailene Woodley is apparently studying to be an herbalist. Huh?
6:36 – Took a quick break for a wedding-related call and I came back to people talking about flasks. Approve.
6:42 – Viola Davis is stunning (but her dress, despite it's gorgeous color, does not fit as well as it should). She just said, "Hair by Mae Alice Davis, my momma" and pointed to her au natural hair. Love it.
6:43 – Her voice sounds SO different from the voice she used as Abileen.
6:46 – Right now the camera is lingering on Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy/Sean "Puffy" Combs and some dude who is vigorously lint-rolling his tux. I like to imagine it's because shortly before leaving he picked up his cat (who in my imagination is just like Penny) and gave her a thorough hug/petting. Note: I don't actually know if Diddy has a cat.
6:48 – More Kelly/Giuliana inanity.
6:49 – Also Giuliana just said that it is amazing that Rooney Mara is wearing white because she "never wears white." I beg to differ. [Insert smug sound here.]
6:54 – My Week with Marilyn is another movie I haven't seen yet, to my utter disappointment. I'm liking Michelle Williams so much this awards season. Not so much what she is wearing (although sometimes she can knock it out of the park) but just her grace and personality.
6:59 – Octavia Spencer! Mmmmhmmm. That is all.
7:00 – Okay, that's not all. She looks incredible.
7:02 – Wine. That is all.
7:04 – Maya Rudolph! She was hilarious hosting SNL last week. They are discussing the skit where she and my other other girlcrush Kristin Wiig just could NOT hold it together. It. Was. Glorious.
7:11 – Speaking of Kristin Wiig! She and co-writer Annie are pimping Bridesmaids with Ryan. Every time he asks a guest "are you excited?" or "how excited are you?" or some variation thereof, I die a little inside.
7:15 – Original girlcrush Emma Stone glimpsed in something red! Ooooh!
7:16 – Someone tweeted, RE: Sacha Baron Cohen in full Dictator costume and persona, "the Lady Gaga of film and TV." Truth.
7:17 – Ryan looks utterly pissed off after SBC dumped fake ash on him. I also love that Giuliana and Kelly adamantly refuse to let him go to break, which is clearly all he wants to do.
7:24 – This is going to make Ryan even MORE annoying for the rest of the night as he feels obligated to tell everyone what happened. Hi Tina Fey!
7:28 – Emma! I adore her raspy voice. "There was a lot of bourbon on the set... It hurt by 5:00." This is why I want to be friends with you.
7:39 – If I was playing a drinking game (with myself, since Brian abandoned me until the real show starts) where I took a sip every time I felt the urge to roll my eyes at something an E! correspondent said, I would be SLOSHED already.
7:40 – I switched over to ABC just in time to hear Tim Gunn and Tina Fey discussing Bossypants and Tina's past tendency to wear giant t-shirts and fanny packs. All these things are good.
7:42 – Some British lady is now interviewing Colin Firth. All these things are good. Note: We did actually see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy but of course its barely nominated for anything.
7:53 – I don't know who either of these people are, but this British chick and this grizzly white-haired man cannot understand a word of each other and it is absurd. (Update: Apparently it is Louise Roe and Nick Nolte?)
7:55 – Tim Gunn always sounds so upbeat and respectful. Also, the word "ravishing" should be used more.
8:00 – Cameron Diaz really should NOT have that haircut. It worked on her about ten years ago, but now she needs a little more length.
8:04 – Bradley Cooper is being interviewed. He is great usually but A) The Hangover 3 is a TERRIBLE idea, particularly after The Hangover 2 was so disappointing, and B) Limitless was THE WORST movie we saw all year. Seriously, it was SO BAD. SO, SO BAD.
8:07 – How awkwardly nerdy and nerdily awkward are the guys carrying in the briefcases containing the winners' envelopes? Adorbz.
(commercial/wine refill/Penny petting break)
8:12 – Ahhhh the immortal question, "What are you wearing?" My answer: tshirt by Hanes, pants by the acclaimed collaboration between Jansport and Millsaps College, puma socks (shoeless is the new stiletto) and jewelry by Brian*.
8:24 – This is the portion of the show where they fill random amounts of time with backstage tours and interviews with producers. Meh.
8:26 – Chris Rock was a super random last guest. That's it for the pre-show! Time to see who the big winners are! (In Brian's office pool, obviously. We could win 75 bucks!)
* Given by Brian, not made by him. Obviously.
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