odds and ends: THE WEDDING

Hello world. It’s 2 a.m. and I am still awake because I swore to myself I wouldn’t go to sleep tonight until I had transcribed every last minute of my many interviews over the past week or two. And that takes a long ass time, y’all. And my fingers are cramped and I’m hyped up on 5-hour energy yet awkwardly tired in the way that only finals week can do to a body.

What I’m saying is, this might be the most cracktastic post I’ve ever done.

It’s odd and ends again time, friendys, and this time it’s all about the most important wedding ever. No, not my wedding. It’s THE ROYAL WEDDING, which is the most important wedding in anyone and everyone’s lives, if you listen to the media lately.

It seems like most of the people that are vocal about THE WEDDING are either super intensely excited (“OMGGGGGG Ican’twaitI’mwakingupat4a.m.justtoseewhatshe’swearingandherperfecthair IloveKateMiddletonholyshit Kate+Wills4ever&EVERRRRRRRRRR”) or super intensely bitter/disdainful (“I am SO over the royal wedding, just get married already, am I right? How could anybody care about something so superficial? Don’t you know there are so may other more IMPORTANT things going on in the world?!?”)

I, and I assume many of the silent masses, lie somewhere in between.

I am genuinely excited for the wedding – excuse me, THE WEDDING. I’ve followed the buzz, but not stalker-level closely. I am excited in the way that many females of my generation probably are, because this is a real life princess story. And it’s the first one that our generation has experienced. I hadn’t been born yet with Diana became a princess, but I remember when she was killed. The whole thing was so tragic, even to my young self. (On a sidenote, my fifth grade teacher looked just like Princess Diana. Exactly like her.)

And Kate and William’s relationship is so much more of a fairy-tale because a) They actually seem to be in love, and b) She’s an everyday girl! Well, except for being super rich and blessed with the best hair on the globe. She was born a “commoner” (and god FORBID the media ever let her forget it, she will be called a former commoner until the day she dies) but she is going to be a princess as of today.

So I was never planning to wake up at 4 a.m. to watch every single second (but since it looks like I may be pulling an all-nighter for finals week, I might check in), but I am excited to read/watch the coverage later to see what Kate wore and how good her shiny, shiny hair looked. And I’m even MORE excited to see all the incredible hats and fascinators the guests wore. I LOVE A GOOD HEADPIECE, Y’ALL. Especially if it's feathered.

sassmonster

Anyway, the most entertaining thing about THE WEDDING has been the runup to it, particularly the awesome/ridiculous swag and other hype centered around it.

I should have done this post last week so you would be able to go out and order all this vital paraphernalia to enjoy today… but I didn’t. Luckily, like Kate and William’s love, this stuff will be beautiful and useful FOREVER.

Like, for example, the Lifetime movie William & Kate. You could watch the extra-speedily written, cast, filmed and edited movie on your own, or you could read the Fug Girls review. It was truly cinematic… something (I mean, not that I watched it*).

And if you are watching the movie (or reading the review) on your laptop, why not snuggle under the William and Kate Royal Bed-ding? Wake up next to the future King, ladies!!

looking a little flat there, Kate

While watching the movie, you can work on your own Coat of Arms juuust in case you and Harry really are meant to be together. Apparently mere commoners must invent coats of arms when they marry princes.

If you finish the movie and immediately want to act it out again in your own home, consider creating your own Lego wedding or knitting the royals.

you'll use them again and again!

If you need something a little bigger, just snap up the $57 Princess Catherine doll.

oh honey, that fascinator needs more sass

Your lego/knit/doll reenactments will clearly gain you a ton of prestige and money, so why not spend a few of your new millions by bidding on a jellybean that looks like Kate Middleton? Or if you are hungrier than one lil jellybean, perhaps you’ll want to order a royal wedding-themed pizza?

nothing better than a mushroom veil

Which, obviously, you will serve on your William and Kate plateware set.

And since I'm sure your cat, like Penny, would hate to be left out, treat her to a special dinner of Royal Wedding Cat Food.

After eating, be sure to apply your William and Kate engagement photo nail decals so that when you practice your royal wave, your fingers are up to par. 

Of course, when your lover comes home to find you under your William & Kate covers, watching the William & Kate movie, eating William & Kate pizza and cat food, playing with your William & Kate Legos and dolls and flashing your William & Kate manicure, there’s only one thought that will go through his head: “I'm gonna tap that.”

Luckily, William and Kate can be with you even when you get intimate, in my personal favorite crazy swag item: Crown Jewels Condoms.

just perfect

Well, I’ll leave you crazy kids to it. I’m going to go put this on:

source

And get back to work.




UPDATE: So Time just tweeted about this. Holy shit, y'all. I love the English.

* I totally did. The second half at least.**
** I would have watched the whole thing if I had realized earlier it was on. ***
*** It was really bad. Like… Really. Bad.

All photos belong to the sites linked to.