8:00 – All right, let's see if this opening sequence lives up to Lynch's promises... It starts out a bit weird. Jane Lynch does have a good singing voice though.
8:02 – Asian jokes!
8:04 – RON SWANSON. They really do have a ton of actors involved in this shindig.
8:06 – Okay the Mad Men bit was good. Also, "A world where high school students look 24."
8:09 – "Try doing that in triple Spanx." PREACH.
8:10 – Brian is immediately not amused by the singing intro sextet.
8:12 – I, however, really like the montage of comedy shows. Number 1, because they showed a bunch of 30 Rock and Number 2, because (nearly) ALL MONTAGES ARE AWESOME. Oooh two sips in and the mad caps are starting. This might get crazy.
8:16 – Jane Lynch said they were doing some things differently this year, and I guess the voiceover man providing interesting facts about the winner is an example of that? I hope that becomes awesome later if RON SWANSON wins.
8:19 – Can someone explain why no dude from 30 Rock or Parks and Recreation was nominated for supporting dude?!?
8:28 – I've been checking up on the tweets from the evening. Check out @TomandLorenzo for some great pictures of the dresses so far. Ricky Gervais was funny but since I don't watch Modern Family regularly, I'm bored of them sweeping the awards so far.
8:30 – WHAT. I think I must have missed Zoey Deschanel during one of the NFL breaks. She looks exactly like one of those Barbie doll cakes where its just a giant skirt with the doll shoved into it.
8:31 – Modern Family AGAIN what???
8:40 – Charlie Sheen shut up. God. EVERYONE in the world is over you.
8:43 – I'm glad someone who isn't on Modern Family won. Jim Parsons both seems and looks adorable (yes, those are distinctly different things) and he is rocking that tux despite his obvious nerdstyle.
8:45 – YES. Finally something hilarious is happening. You go Amy Poehler. Get your ass up on stage. I love how the other nominees are like, "Uhhhh, you know what, screw it, I'm getting on stage too."
8:46 – I'm loving how Amy is taking this to FULL ON Miss America levels with the hand-holding and fanning her face. This. Is. Awesome.
8:47 – AND THERE IS A CROWN. Where did that come from?!
Okay, even though yet another show I don't watch is winning, Melissa seems so genuinely thrilled and also was freaking hilarious in Bridesmaids, so yay. (Actually, I'm reading a bunch of tweets saying that the only reason Melissa won was Bridesmaids, which I'm actually totally fine with. It's not going to win an Oscar anytime soon, but Bridesmaids deserves some award love. It is a truly great comedy.)
9:00 – These pre-taped bits and montages are the best part of the show so far. They are seriously good. I loved Amy Poehler speaking in Dothraki on the Office spoof. She is the lady of the night, it seems.
9:01 – Ha. Fanny pack. You joke, Jane Lynch, but I love a good fanny pack.
9:05 – I love you Stephen Colbert. Yet another example of pre-taped stuff being the best part of the night. The intros to this category (which I didn't catch so I'm going to call it the Comedy News/Talk Show Writer Category) are QUALITY.
9:08 – This is the third time they've played the Dior "film." Still gold, still naked, still breathy.
9:13 – Lonely Island. YES.
9:14 – Michael Bolton and the Isle of Tortuga? "Freak Bill Macy"? Akon? This is all so absurd and I am loving it.
9:16 – How much money do you want to wager that Lea Michelle is hoping rumors start that she and Ian Somerhalder are secretly dating? I find her so hilariously out of touch with the world. She can deny the diva label all she wants, but it's useless when she poses and preens and is so intense about everything. (P.s. Yay SNL!)
9:25 – I love The Daily Show but I really hope Colbert wins it one of these days.
9:27 – Yeah those Emmy tones really weren't a good idea.
9:28 – The drama intro montage was less successful than the two previously, possibly because drama just inherently provides less montage-worthy moments but also possibly because they didn't use nearly enough Game of Thrones clips. That shit gets real.
9:30 – The presenter and voiceover dude pronounced the winner's name in completely different ways. Awk-ward. Also, since neither Mad Men nor Game of Thrones won, I'm uninterested.
9:34 – See previous statement.
9:42 – This countdown clock must be really intense, because almost every winner has mentioned it so far. I wonder what happens when the clock runs out? I hope a trapdoor opens up and the winner falls through... Or maybe a giant hook yanks them offstage like in old vaudeville shows. Or maybe Sue throws slushies at them.
9:44 – There's was a ton of red on the red carpet, but I think this is the best one so far. Who is this chick? I can't remember her name but she is smokin' and this sweetheart neckline sparkly red number is HOT. (Edited to add: Her name is Kerry Washington).
9:45 – Yay Peter Dinklage!! FINALLY a show I actually watch! Also, the voiceover just said, "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland." That sounds like something a 12 year old boy would say. The voiceover is getting increasingly lame. Don't ruin the first winner I actually care about, Emmys.
9:47 – I love that he thanked his dog sitter, because even if I was jetting off to Hollywood to win a fancy award, I would still totally be concerned about Penny's wellbeing.
9:48 – Brian and I watched the entirety of Game of Thrones while we hid out from Hurricane Irene, and it is awesome. While we were watching it I kind of hated it because so many terrible, terrible things kept happening and all the terrible, terrible people kept getting the upper hand over other obviously superior people, but every time an episode ended, I wanted to watch the next right away. And the ending was EPIC. I am now reading the books because I can't wait for the next season and because I like to do things nerdstyle.
9:52 – "Now 52% of all TV is set in Jersey... Sarah Palin's Alaska? JERSEY."
9:54 – I didn't understand why Katie Holmes was at the MTV Video Music Awards, and I don't understand why she's here. That is all.
9:59 – Brian walks in the room.
Brian: "What is this?"
Me: "Lead actor. Jon Hamm lost."
Brian: "Who won?!?!"
Me: "Someone from Friday Night Lights."
Brian: "Oh my god. This show is such a joke."
Brian walks out of the room.
10:02 – At this point in the night, I'm going to need more wine or more Ron Swanson. Also I just accidentally threw the remote across the room (it slipped). Also, there is an hour left according to my TV info button. What other genres are there?!
10:05 – HOLY SHIT.
Dear LL Cool J,
You have a good thing going with NCIS: LA. You DO NOT need to come back to your rap career, especially if it means sputtering this angry/confusing stuff about movies and queries. I say this as a friend.
Xoxo,
Kathleen
10:07 – I haven't seen ANY of the miniseries/movies. I have only heard of two. Cue the point in the show where I just drink and half pay attention and play on Pinterest.
10:08 – "You know, many people are curious as to why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." HA.
10:12 – Professor McGonagall for the win!
10:17 – The accountants part of the shows always make me smile because my mom is an accountant and it's rarely such a glamorous profession. Hi mom!
10:20 – I know everybody is going to go after Amy Poehler for her sartorial choices, but I just love her so much that I can't. You wear whatever you want, you hilarious lady. And then you call me and we will hang out in sweatshirts and leggings and milk will probably come out of my nose.
10:22 – I just read what I wrote and I want to assure everyone, I have not had THAT much wine. I stand by what I said.
10:23 – Brian heard the music and called from the other room, "Is this the death montage?" Then he added, "I hope Lil Sebastian is on there." ME TOO.
10:25 – I don't know any of the people singing "Hallelujah," but damn do I love this song. (It's less mournful/beautiful as a quartet though.)
10:35 – Is this always the order they give the awards in? Why don't they do this first and save drama for the end? Everyone is asleep right now, Emmys. Just so you know.
10:45 – Jane Lynch is doing her best but this show is dying, fast.
10:48 – Time for the real shit. MAD MEN wins!! So deserved.
10:55 – I like how Gwenyth/Gwyneth walked up to the mike and basically said, "The prompter's down, I'm not going to embarrass myself so I'm going to say as little as possible, here are the nominees," and then everybody clapped like she delivered the Gettysburg Address.
10:57 – Clearly I need to watch Modern Family more. I've seen it and I know it's funny, but I've never committed to adding it to my life as something to watch every week. Maybe if I do that I won't be as bored/annoyed that they win everything next year. Actually if I do that, some other show that I don't watch will win everything next year.
10:58 – HA. (After talking about a gay couple thanking them for not only making people laugh but also making them more tolerant): "Yes, we're showing the world there is nothing wrong with an old man married to a hot young woman. And looking around the room, I see many of you agree." Okay, I think that line alone convinced me to add Modern Family to my TV lineup.
11:00 – That's it, y'all. I can't wait to see whose dressed get lauded and whose get ripped tomorrow. See you in February for the Oscars! (You know, unless you want to keep reading my blog until then, which I ENCOURAGE.)
9:05 – I love you Stephen Colbert. Yet another example of pre-taped stuff being the best part of the night. The intros to this category (which I didn't catch so I'm going to call it the Comedy News/Talk Show Writer Category) are QUALITY.
9:08 – This is the third time they've played the Dior "film." Still gold, still naked, still breathy.
9:13 – Lonely Island. YES.
9:14 – Michael Bolton and the Isle of Tortuga? "Freak Bill Macy"? Akon? This is all so absurd and I am loving it.
9:16 – How much money do you want to wager that Lea Michelle is hoping rumors start that she and Ian Somerhalder are secretly dating? I find her so hilariously out of touch with the world. She can deny the diva label all she wants, but it's useless when she poses and preens and is so intense about everything. (P.s. Yay SNL!)
9:25 – I love The Daily Show but I really hope Colbert wins it one of these days.
9:27 – Yeah those Emmy tones really weren't a good idea.
9:28 – The drama intro montage was less successful than the two previously, possibly because drama just inherently provides less montage-worthy moments but also possibly because they didn't use nearly enough Game of Thrones clips. That shit gets real.
9:30 – The presenter and voiceover dude pronounced the winner's name in completely different ways. Awk-ward. Also, since neither Mad Men nor Game of Thrones won, I'm uninterested.
9:34 – See previous statement.
9:42 – This countdown clock must be really intense, because almost every winner has mentioned it so far. I wonder what happens when the clock runs out? I hope a trapdoor opens up and the winner falls through... Or maybe a giant hook yanks them offstage like in old vaudeville shows. Or maybe Sue throws slushies at them.
9:44 – There's was a ton of red on the red carpet, but I think this is the best one so far. Who is this chick? I can't remember her name but she is smokin' and this sweetheart neckline sparkly red number is HOT. (Edited to add: Her name is Kerry Washington).
9:45 – Yay Peter Dinklage!! FINALLY a show I actually watch! Also, the voiceover just said, "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland." That sounds like something a 12 year old boy would say. The voiceover is getting increasingly lame. Don't ruin the first winner I actually care about, Emmys.
9:47 – I love that he thanked his dog sitter, because even if I was jetting off to Hollywood to win a fancy award, I would still totally be concerned about Penny's wellbeing.
9:48 – Brian and I watched the entirety of Game of Thrones while we hid out from Hurricane Irene, and it is awesome. While we were watching it I kind of hated it because so many terrible, terrible things kept happening and all the terrible, terrible people kept getting the upper hand over other obviously superior people, but every time an episode ended, I wanted to watch the next right away. And the ending was EPIC. I am now reading the books because I can't wait for the next season and because I like to do things nerdstyle.
9:52 – "Now 52% of all TV is set in Jersey... Sarah Palin's Alaska? JERSEY."
9:54 – I didn't understand why Katie Holmes was at the MTV Video Music Awards, and I don't understand why she's here. That is all.
9:59 – Brian walks in the room.
Brian: "What is this?"
Me: "Lead actor. Jon Hamm lost."
Brian: "Who won?!?!"
Me: "Someone from Friday Night Lights."
Brian: "Oh my god. This show is such a joke."
Brian walks out of the room.
10:02 – At this point in the night, I'm going to need more wine or more Ron Swanson. Also I just accidentally threw the remote across the room (it slipped). Also, there is an hour left according to my TV info button. What other genres are there?!
10:05 – HOLY SHIT.
Dear LL Cool J,
You have a good thing going with NCIS: LA. You DO NOT need to come back to your rap career, especially if it means sputtering this angry/confusing stuff about movies and queries. I say this as a friend.
Xoxo,
Kathleen
10:07 – I haven't seen ANY of the miniseries/movies. I have only heard of two. Cue the point in the show where I just drink and half pay attention and play on Pinterest.
10:08 – "You know, many people are curious as to why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." HA.
10:12 – Professor McGonagall for the win!
10:17 – The accountants part of the shows always make me smile because my mom is an accountant and it's rarely such a glamorous profession. Hi mom!
10:20 – I know everybody is going to go after Amy Poehler for her sartorial choices, but I just love her so much that I can't. You wear whatever you want, you hilarious lady. And then you call me and we will hang out in sweatshirts and leggings and milk will probably come out of my nose.
10:22 – I just read what I wrote and I want to assure everyone, I have not had THAT much wine. I stand by what I said.
10:23 – Brian heard the music and called from the other room, "Is this the death montage?" Then he added, "I hope Lil Sebastian is on there." ME TOO.
10:25 – I don't know any of the people singing "Hallelujah," but damn do I love this song. (It's less mournful/beautiful as a quartet though.)
10:35 – Is this always the order they give the awards in? Why don't they do this first and save drama for the end? Everyone is asleep right now, Emmys. Just so you know.
10:45 – Jane Lynch is doing her best but this show is dying, fast.
10:48 – Time for the real shit. MAD MEN wins!! So deserved.
10:55 – I like how Gwenyth/Gwyneth walked up to the mike and basically said, "The prompter's down, I'm not going to embarrass myself so I'm going to say as little as possible, here are the nominees," and then everybody clapped like she delivered the Gettysburg Address.
10:57 – Clearly I need to watch Modern Family more. I've seen it and I know it's funny, but I've never committed to adding it to my life as something to watch every week. Maybe if I do that I won't be as bored/annoyed that they win everything next year. Actually if I do that, some other show that I don't watch will win everything next year.
10:58 – HA. (After talking about a gay couple thanking them for not only making people laugh but also making them more tolerant): "Yes, we're showing the world there is nothing wrong with an old man married to a hot young woman. And looking around the room, I see many of you agree." Okay, I think that line alone convinced me to add Modern Family to my TV lineup.
11:00 – That's it, y'all. I can't wait to see whose dressed get lauded and whose get ripped tomorrow. See you in February for the Oscars! (You know, unless you want to keep reading my blog until then, which I ENCOURAGE.)
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