Oscars 2012 Ceremony Liveblog

8:30 – Here we go, y'all. Morgan Freeman's velvety voice is kicking things off.

8:33 – RE: The Biebs getting "the 18-24 demographic." Try the 10-18 demographic.

8:41 – So I didn't catch every word of the opening song, but was Jonah Hill the only one that got mocked? Ouch, dude. You just got called out by Billy Crystal.

8:42 – This Carl-the-Seat-Filler dude is awesome. I want his job.

8:43 – First award! The winner looks like Gandalf the Grey goes formal. We are off on the wrong foot, office-pool-wise.

8:50 – All these cracks at the theatre are really falling flat. Really, is Billy Crystal the only one they could get to host? Also, what is the point of this super random montage of movies?

8:54 – "A dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman and loose enough to prove you're a lady." J. Lo, you are failing one of those criteria.

8:58 – We are getting back on track with the office pool, Brian picked the last three correctly! Of course, the big points are earned at the end. Since we haven't seen Hugo, The Artist OR The Iron Lady, the proceedings are a little wah-wah so far.

9:00 – This is cute, actors talking about movies from their childhood (if a little desperately saying, "You should pay money to go to the movies again!"). Although I'm suspicious that Brad Pitt's "Gargantua" movie is actually a hallucination he has when he was high. Also, Helen Mirren is fantastic. Also also, why is Adam Sandler involved?

9:03 – Apparently I missed a J. Lo nip slip. Isn't that just a regular Sunday night for her though?

9:05 – A friend texted, RE: the makeup win, "I'm confused how best makeup went to transforming a white lady into a white lady." This is a valid point.

9:09 – "A dark knight, an American psycho and a charismatic crackhead - you'll get to choose one on Super Tuesday." FINALLY, the first good joke of the night by Mr. Crystal.

9:10 – I loved both Jessica Chastain and Octavia Spencer in The Help. LOVED. Lurved. Luved.

9:12 – YES. First standing O! Also, every one of Octavia's speeches has been so heartfelt and hilarious and wonderful all awards season. LOVE HER.

9:14 – P.s. Expect more capslock attack as the wine bottle gets emptier.

9:20 – I'm just SO glad they rushed Octavia off the stage to do this (terrible) Wizard of Oz sketch. Grumble grumble.

9:25 – I kind of love how the film editing winners were just like, "Let's get out of here" after being a bit flustered and unprepared. It's refreshing.

9:26 – You KNOW they were so proud of that "Hugo," "No, hugo" joke.

9:38 – When I was in the seventh grade my family went to Las Vegas and saw Cirque du Soleil and it was magical, so although most people probably think this whole thing is gimmicky (and it might be a little), I kind of love it.

9:40 – Also, I've pretty much just stopped listening whenever Billy Crystal talks.

9:43 – Gwynnie seems so out of touch with the world with her whole GOOP thing, but I can't help but like her when she looks so good and when she and Robert Downey Jr. balance each other out to actually pretty funny results.

9:44 – The "get off the stage music" is MERCILESS this year.

9:51 – I'm so excited for Brave, and yes, it is 100% because the heroine is a redhead. Here's hoping this is Pixar's return to the good old days.

9:52 – Emma Stone's swanning around this introduction is hilarious. LOVE HER.

9:55 – I wanted to vote for Harry Potter in the office pool in this category (Visual Effects), but Brian vetoed me. Let's all hope I'm right so I can gloat for the rest of the night. But also, let's hope he's right so we can get 75 bucks. Conflict.

9:56 – NEITHER OF US GOT IT RIGHT. Lame.

10:01 – "You're only two years older than me, darling, where have you been all my life?" You are an adorable man, Christopher Plummer.

10:02 – Also I'm going to force Brian to dress exactly like him when we get old and his hair turns white. Velvet jacket, white mustache and little bow tie all the way. Also ALSO, that speech was perfect. Funny, classy, genuine and capped by thanking his lovely wife.

10:07 – Killer 'Revenge' promo.

10:09 – Okay, this "I know what you're thinking" sketch has some funny moments. The second laugh you've wrestled out of me, Billy.

10:13 – The best original score category has the best nominee montage of the night. Reminds me of how much I liked the screenplay one from last year.

10:16 – WTF Will Ferrell and Zach Galifinakis in white tails and smashing cymbals. Also, Zach mispronouncing his own name might well have been the hardest I've laughed all night.

10:20 – Apparently nine SNL cast members have been nominated for Oscars but none have won. Will Kristin Wiig be the first to take home the little golden man?!? Stay tuned my friends.

10:25 – Why the hell is Angelina Jolie sticking her leg out like that?

10:30 – Okay, seriously though, her arms look freakishly frail. Angie, eat a cheeseburger!!

10:31 – We are neck and neck with someone named "Chris" in the office pool. It is all riding on the short documentary category (we have all the same picks besides that category). The tension mounts.

10:39 – Oh, cast of Bridesmaids. I love you. Please come hang out with me. Please show up at my bachelorette party. I don't know when it is, but it's in NYC. Get in touch with Tait Kellogg and she'll give you the details.

10:41 – YES. They continued the "Scorcese" drinking game joke from the SAG Awards. Attention all friendys - this is our new drinking game.

10:50 – It's time for the big awards, and not a moment too soon. I'm going to run out of wine dangerously soon.

10:54 – This man's speech is adorable. As is his accent. As is how he thanked the dog. Best director yay!

10:55 – I love Meryl's lil glasses.

11:04 – That is AN AFRO.

11:05 – I'm assuming L'il Sebastian will be egregiously left out of this In Memorium as well.

11:09 – Like the caveman, wine and sleepiness have reduced me to single-though sentences. So close, only three awards to go...

11:14 – I enjoy that they gave Natalie Portman very Star Wars intro music. I don't know the first dude, I didn't see George Clooney in The Descendants, I also didn't see Jean Dujardin in The Artist, Natalie Portman keeps glancing back at the teleprompter and it's distracting, I DID see Gary Oldman in Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy and it was pretty good but not ahmahhhzing, I did also see Brad Pitt in Moneyball and it was also a'ight. So all in all (and particularly compared to my enthusiasm for COLIN FIRTH last year), my attitude toward this category is MEH.

11:19 – I really wish I had seen The Artist and/or could understand whatever that outburst at the end of Jean Dujardin's speech was.

11:24 – Hello Colin. Thank you for being here.

11:25 – I could listen to this man address nominees all day.

11:27 – "Meryl. Mamma Mia. We were in Greece. I was gay and we were happy." Yes.

11:29 – And it's Meryl. I'm disappointed that Viola didn't win, because I want The Help to win everything always, but it's Meryl effin' Streep and her speech is just great.

11:33 – Wait, why is Tom Cruise introducing the biggest event of the night?

11:37 – Seriously, why haven't I seen The Artist yet?! The director's address to his wife (and the star) Berenice Bejo was beautiful. Darn it, me!

11:40 – And that's the show. I have the hiccups, Penny is licking her tail and Brian is busily counting up the points on the ballots for his office pool (he's in charge this year). The end.

Oscars 2012 Red Carpet Liveblog

Dresses! Hair! Pretty people making tragic choices! The wine is poured, so here we go.

Once again, I have been tasked with grabbing food to sustain us through the ceremony (as a result of being the most fully dressed in non-pajama clothes), so Brian will be guest-blogging until I return triumphantly bearing tikka masala and nan.

Brian says:

• some 11 year-old kid from the descendants. haven't seen the movie, but it seems depressing.
• this commentator guy named ross is wearing a big red bowtie...and he sounds like a eunuch.
• titanic 3d commercial. i saw that movie in theaters when i was in 5th grade...with my mom, sister, aunt, and great grandmother. awkward to say the least.
• my favorite betting props for the oscars - will the winner for best actress cry (yes -145, no +100);  and over/under for mentions of Rooney Mara's nipple piercing. i'm setting it at 1.5, and going with the over. betting can help increase interest in almost anything...the potential to win $80 in my office pool will have me locked in.

Aaaand I'm back. Penny is rolling around on the floor and we are rolling around in Indian food. (Story of our lives).

5:53 – Someone from The Artist is wearing something eco-friendly. Last year we had seen pretty much all of the major nominated movies, but this year we are sorely lacking, especially since The Artist is supposed to win everything and we haven't seen it. Womp.

5:55 – Brian just said George Clooney has already been mentioned like ten times. If only we had made a bet on that.

(commercial/food break)

6:00 – It looks like there are glittery pineapples coming out of Giuliana's boobs.

6:06 – Wolfgang Puck is explaining the 12 dishes served to the guests. I want to go to there. Also, it's a little bit ridiculous that there will be so much food and 90% of the women there won't be able to breathe, much less eat. If I ever make it to the Oscars, remind me to wear something comfy so I can eat that shiz.

6:09 – Rose Byrne is wearing something black and sparkly. She has a bob and semi-severe bangs, which, okay, she can pull anything off, but I miss her gorgeous long(er) locks. Also I have recently become obsessed with Damages, which she is fabulous in. Also, can we talk about how TINY her ears are? Seriously, look at anyone else's ears and then look at hers. MICROSCOPIC.

6:12 – Now several of the Bridesmaids ladies are making their way through. I want to be friends with them. Ellie Kemper is wearing a great copper color.

6:19 – Ahh, Clooney has been sighted. Expect Ryan and Giuliana to start manic name-dropping any minute now. Also, thank you Tom and Lorenzo, because I recognized what Clooney's gal pal Stacy Keibler was wearing without anyone saying anything.

6:21 – Ooooh! My other girlcrush Jessica Chastain is looking fabulous in something black and gold. Her lil red head looks so good.

6:22 – Shailene Woodley is apparently studying to be an herbalist. Huh?

6:36 – Took a quick break for a wedding-related call and I came back to people talking about flasks. Approve.

6:42 – Viola Davis is stunning (but her dress, despite it's gorgeous color, does not fit as well as it should). She just said, "Hair by Mae Alice Davis, my momma" and pointed to her au natural hair. Love it.

6:43 – Her voice sounds SO different from the voice she used as Abileen.

6:46 – Right now the camera is lingering on Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy/Sean "Puffy" Combs and some dude who is vigorously lint-rolling his tux. I like to imagine it's because shortly before leaving he picked up his cat (who in my imagination is just like Penny) and gave her a thorough hug/petting. Note: I don't actually know if Diddy has a cat.

6:48 – More Kelly/Giuliana inanity.

6:49 – Also Giuliana just said that it is amazing that Rooney Mara is wearing white because she "never wears white." I beg to differ. [Insert smug sound here.]

6:54 – My Week with Marilyn is another movie I haven't seen yet, to my utter disappointment. I'm liking Michelle Williams so much this awards season. Not so much what she is wearing (although sometimes she can knock it out of the park) but just her grace and personality.

6:59 – Octavia Spencer! Mmmmhmmm. That is all.

7:00 – Okay, that's not all. She looks incredible.

7:02 – Wine. That is all.

7:04 – Maya Rudolph! She was hilarious hosting SNL last week. They are discussing the skit where she and my other other girlcrush Kristin Wiig just could NOT hold it together. It. Was. Glorious.


7:11 – Speaking of Kristin Wiig! She and co-writer Annie are pimping Bridesmaids with Ryan. Every time he asks a guest "are you excited?" or "how excited are you?" or some variation thereof, I die a little inside.

7:15 – Original girlcrush Emma Stone glimpsed in something red! Ooooh!

7:16 – Someone tweeted, RE: Sacha Baron Cohen in full Dictator costume and persona, "the Lady Gaga of film and TV." Truth.

7:17 – Ryan looks utterly pissed off after SBC dumped fake ash on him. I also love that Giuliana and Kelly adamantly refuse to let him go to break, which is clearly all he wants to do.

7:24 – This is going to make Ryan even MORE annoying for the rest of the night as he feels obligated to tell everyone what happened. Hi Tina Fey!

7:28 – Emma! I adore her raspy voice. "There was a lot of bourbon on the set... It hurt by 5:00." This is why I want to be friends with you.

7:39 – If I was playing a drinking game (with myself, since Brian abandoned me until the real show starts) where I took a sip every time I felt the urge to roll my eyes at something an E! correspondent said, I would be SLOSHED already.

7:40 – I switched over to ABC just in time to hear Tim Gunn and Tina Fey discussing Bossypants and Tina's past tendency to wear giant t-shirts and fanny packs. All these things are good.

7:42 – Some British lady is now interviewing Colin Firth. All these things are good. Note: We did actually see Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy but of course its barely nominated for anything.

7:53 – I don't know who either of these people are, but this British chick and this grizzly white-haired man cannot understand a word of each other and it is absurd. (Update: Apparently it is Louise Roe and Nick Nolte?)

7:55 – Tim Gunn always sounds so upbeat and respectful. Also, the word "ravishing" should be used more.

8:00 – Cameron Diaz really should NOT have that haircut. It worked on her about ten years ago, but now she needs a little more length.

8:04 – Bradley Cooper is being interviewed. He is great usually but A) The Hangover 3 is a TERRIBLE idea, particularly after The Hangover 2 was so disappointing, and B) Limitless was THE WORST movie we saw all year. Seriously, it was SO BAD. SO, SO BAD.

8:07 – How awkwardly nerdy and nerdily awkward are the guys carrying in the briefcases containing the winners' envelopes? Adorbz.

(commercial/wine refill/Penny petting break)

8:12 – Ahhhh the immortal question, "What are you wearing?" My answer: tshirt by Hanes, pants by the acclaimed collaboration between Jansport and Millsaps College, puma socks (shoeless is the new stiletto) and jewelry by Brian*.

8:24 – This is the portion of the show where they fill random amounts of time with backstage tours and interviews with producers. Meh.

8:26 – Chris Rock was a super random last guest. That's it for the pre-show! Time to see who the big winners are! (In Brian's office pool, obviously. We could win 75 bucks!)


* Given by Brian, not made by him. Obviously.

Emmys 2011 Ceremony Liveblog

7:59 – Pinot in hand. It's a $9 bottle with a real cork so I'm feeling UNDERSTANDABLY fancy. Let's get to the show!

8:00 – All right, let's see if this opening sequence lives up to Lynch's promises... It starts out a bit weird. Jane Lynch does have a good singing voice though.

8:02 – Asian jokes!

8:04 – RON SWANSON. They really do have a ton of actors involved in this shindig.

8:06 – Okay the Mad Men bit was good. Also, "A world where high school students look 24."

8:09 – "Try doing that in triple Spanx." PREACH.

8:10 – Brian is immediately not amused by the singing intro sextet.

8:12 – I, however, really like the montage of comedy shows. Number 1, because they showed a bunch of 30 Rock and Number 2, because (nearly) ALL MONTAGES ARE AWESOME. Oooh two sips in and the mad caps are starting. This might get crazy.

8:16 – Jane Lynch said they were doing some things differently this year, and I guess the voiceover man providing interesting facts about the winner is an example of that? I hope that becomes awesome later if RON SWANSON wins.

8:19 – Can someone explain why no dude from 30 Rock or Parks and Recreation was nominated for supporting dude?!?

8:28 – I've been checking up on the tweets from the evening. Check out @TomandLorenzo for some great pictures of the dresses so far. Ricky Gervais was funny but since I don't watch Modern Family regularly, I'm bored of them sweeping the awards so far.

8:30 – WHAT. I think I must have missed Zoey Deschanel during one of the NFL breaks. She looks exactly like one of those Barbie doll cakes where its just a giant skirt with the doll shoved into it.

8:31 – Modern Family AGAIN what???

8:40 – Charlie Sheen shut up. God. EVERYONE in the world is over you.

8:43 – I'm glad someone who isn't on Modern Family won. Jim Parsons both seems and looks adorable (yes, those are distinctly different things) and he is rocking that tux despite his obvious nerdstyle.

8:45 – YES. Finally something hilarious is happening. You go Amy Poehler. Get your ass up on stage. I love how the other nominees are like, "Uhhhh, you know what, screw it, I'm getting on stage too."

8:46 – I'm loving how Amy is taking this to FULL ON Miss America levels with the hand-holding and fanning her face. This. Is. Awesome.

8:47 – AND THERE IS A CROWN. Where did that come from?!

Okay, even though yet another show I don't watch is winning, Melissa seems so genuinely thrilled and also was freaking hilarious in Bridesmaids, so yay. (Actually, I'm reading a bunch of tweets saying that the only reason Melissa won was Bridesmaids, which I'm actually totally fine with. It's not going to win an Oscar anytime soon, but Bridesmaids deserves some award love. It is a truly great comedy.)

9:00 – These pre-taped bits and montages are the best part of the show so far. They are seriously good. I loved Amy Poehler speaking in Dothraki on the Office spoof. She is the lady of the night, it seems.

9:01 – Ha. Fanny pack. You joke, Jane Lynch, but I love a good fanny pack. 

9:05 – I love you Stephen Colbert. Yet another example of pre-taped stuff being the best part of the night. The intros to this category (which I didn't catch so I'm going to call it the Comedy News/Talk Show Writer Category) are QUALITY.

9:08 – This is the third time they've played the Dior "film." Still gold, still naked, still breathy.

9:13 – Lonely Island. YES.

9:14 – Michael Bolton and the Isle of Tortuga? "Freak Bill Macy"? Akon? This is all so absurd and I am loving it.

9:16 – How much money do you want to wager that Lea Michelle is hoping rumors start that she and Ian Somerhalder are secretly dating? I find her so hilariously out of touch with the world. She can deny the diva label all she wants, but it's useless when she poses and preens and is so intense about everything.  (P.s. Yay SNL!)

9:25 – I love The Daily Show but I really hope Colbert wins it one of these days.

9:27 – Yeah those Emmy tones really weren't a good idea.

9:28 – The drama intro montage was less successful than the two previously, possibly because drama just inherently provides less montage-worthy moments but also possibly because they didn't use nearly enough Game of Thrones clips. That shit gets real.

9:30 – The presenter and voiceover dude pronounced the winner's name in completely different ways. Awk-ward. Also, since neither Mad Men nor Game of Thrones won, I'm uninterested.

9:34 – See previous statement.

9:42 – This countdown clock must be really intense, because almost every winner has mentioned it so far. I wonder what happens when the clock runs out? I hope a trapdoor opens up and the winner falls through... Or maybe a giant hook yanks them offstage like in old vaudeville shows. Or maybe Sue throws slushies at them.

9:44 – There's was a ton of red on the red carpet, but I think this is the best one so far. Who is this chick? I can't remember her name but she is smokin' and this sweetheart neckline sparkly red number is HOT. (Edited to add: Her name is Kerry Washington).

9:45 – Yay Peter Dinklage!! FINALLY a show I actually watch! Also, the voiceover just said, "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland." That sounds like something a 12 year old boy would say. The voiceover is getting increasingly lame. Don't ruin the first winner I actually care about, Emmys.

9:47 – I love that he thanked his dog sitter, because even if I was jetting off to Hollywood to win a fancy award, I would still totally be concerned about Penny's wellbeing.

9:48 – Brian and I watched the entirety of Game of Thrones while we hid out from Hurricane Irene, and it is awesome. While we were watching it I kind of hated it because so many terrible, terrible things kept happening and all the terrible, terrible people kept getting the upper hand over other obviously superior people, but every time an episode ended, I wanted to watch the next right away. And the ending was EPIC. I am now reading the books because I can't wait for the next season and because I like to do things nerdstyle.

9:52 – "Now 52% of all TV is set in Jersey... Sarah Palin's Alaska? JERSEY."

9:54 – I didn't understand why Katie Holmes was at the MTV Video Music Awards, and I don't understand why she's here. That is all.

9:59 – Brian walks in the room.
Brian: "What is this?"
Me: "Lead actor. Jon Hamm lost."
Brian: "Who won?!?!"
Me: "Someone from Friday Night Lights."
Brian: "Oh my god. This show is such a joke."
Brian walks out of the room.

10:02 – At this point in the night, I'm going to need more wine or more Ron Swanson. Also I just accidentally threw the remote across the room (it slipped). Also, there is an hour left according to my TV info button. What other genres are there?!

10:05 – HOLY SHIT.
Dear LL Cool J,
You have a good thing going with NCIS: LA. You DO NOT need to come back to your rap career, especially if it means sputtering this angry/confusing stuff about movies and queries. I say this as a friend.
Xoxo,
Kathleen

10:07 – I haven't seen ANY of the miniseries/movies. I have only heard of two. Cue the point in the show where I just drink and half pay attention and play on Pinterest.

10:08 – "You know, many people are curious as to why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." HA.

10:12 – Professor McGonagall for the win!

10:17 – The accountants part of the shows always make me smile because my mom is an accountant and it's rarely such a glamorous profession. Hi mom!

10:20 – I know everybody is going to go after Amy Poehler for her sartorial choices, but I just love her so much that I can't. You wear whatever you want, you hilarious lady. And then you call me and we will hang out in sweatshirts and leggings and milk will probably come out of my nose.

10:22 – I just read what I wrote and I want to assure everyone, I have not had THAT much wine. I stand by what I said.

10:23 – Brian heard the music and called from the other room, "Is this the death montage?" Then he added, "I hope Lil Sebastian is on there." ME TOO.

10:25 – I don't know any of the people singing "Hallelujah," but damn do I love this song. (It's less mournful/beautiful as a quartet though.)

10:35 – Is this always the order they give the awards in? Why don't they do this first and save drama for the end? Everyone is asleep right now, Emmys. Just so you know.

10:45 – Jane Lynch is doing her best but this show is dying, fast.

10:48 – Time for the real shit. MAD MEN wins!! So deserved.

10:55 – I like how Gwenyth/Gwyneth walked up to the mike and basically said, "The prompter's down, I'm not going to embarrass myself so I'm going to say as little as possible, here are the nominees," and then everybody clapped like she delivered the Gettysburg Address.

10:57 – Clearly I need to watch Modern Family more. I've seen it and I know it's funny, but I've never committed to adding it to my life as something to watch every week. Maybe if I do that I won't be as bored/annoyed that they win everything next year. Actually if I do that, some other show that I don't watch will win everything next year.

10:58 – HA. (After talking about a gay couple thanking them for not only making people laugh but also making them more tolerant): "Yes, we're showing the world there is nothing wrong with an old man married to a hot young woman. And looking around the room, I see many of you agree." Okay, I think that line alone convinced me to add Modern Family to my TV lineup.

11:00 – That's it, y'all. I can't wait to see whose dressed get lauded and whose get ripped tomorrow. See you in February for the Oscars! (You know, unless you want to keep reading my blog until then, which I ENCOURAGE.)

Emmys 2011 Red Carpet Liveblog

Hello friends! It's award season again and I'm going to liveblog it! I'd say it's because I believe my opinions need to be heard on this vitally important matter... but really it's so I can have an excuse to drink mass quantities of wine and talk about pretty dresses. I'm decked out in my very best duds (red norts and a brand new large Hanes v-neck T, obviously) and ready to go!

I am running out to get sustenance for us, so Brian will be taking notes until my return. Here are his thoughts on the red carpet goings-on at E!:

Nina Dobrey(sp?) from the Vampire Diaries is ssssmokin’. She “owns nothing she is wearing”. Some sort of rumor about her and some guy – status = who knows. She “would be his arm candy” if she was walking with him. She’s dumb. 

Pennycat looks like she’s been on a diet. That chica licks herself so much – no one else could pull that off in public…especially with such a fluffy figure.

Colby someone looks good in a blue dress according to Ozzie Osbourne’s daughter with spiky hair.

Kathleen looks super sexy tonight. She’s wearing Walt Disney’s “hottest new piece”, the Mickey Mouse classics sweatshirt. Looks super comfy. It just screams “I want to lounge around the house, yet I’m here to party”…a la the tuxedo t-shirt. Totes fab. 

WHOA! I thought a woman was speaking... and then the lady’s voice was coming from a man in a tuxedo. No shit. Maybe someone is pitching that voice? Dubbing it in? Freaky. The guy is not Ryan Seacrest, because I just saw him and his voice sounded burly, comparatively.

6:17 – Aaaaaaaaand here I am, bearing Thai AND sushi – that's right, we don't skimp when it comes to award show food around here. Let's dive right in. Apparently I just missed Lea Michelle but saw something backless and red as they cut away. Now Sarah Hyland (who looks like the mini version of girlcrush Mila Kunis) is talking about some drama involving Lea Michelle? Apparently she was being interviewed by Joan Rivers and imitating how Lea poses and then Lea got all offended over it? I’m not sure. But I do know that Sarah Hyland is adorable and is so over the drama which makes me want to be her friend.

6:20 – Literally the second E! went to commercial Brian called, “Channel recall!” so it’s over to NFL for a few.

6:24 – Yay Jane Lynch! She is hilarious. And NOT wearing a lesbian power suit for once!! She looks good.

6:26 – Apparently the opening sequence will be “epic.” We’ll see, Lynch, we’ll see.

6:30 – Paula Abdul blah blah I really couldn't care less. Time to shove some edemame in my face.

6:35 – Kaley Cuoco just (sarcastically) said, "I'm just so chic, you don't know." And also her dad is her date. New girlcrush brewing? Possibly.

6:37 – Okay finally got Lea Michelle in the 360 cam. She really does pose so over-the-top with this shit. Okay now she really IS posing on the carpet like she's on ANTM. Girl. Also she is wearing Marchesa and Marchesa agreed that they would dress her and her alone for the Emmys and you KNOW she is eating that shit up.

I also got a peek at Nina Dobrev (see Brian's comments above), also in red. She is so pretty, y'all. And her dress is so pretty.

6:42 – Another commercial break = crab rangoon break. Brian just said, "When does the actual show start?" He can't believe there is another hour and 15 minutes of this.

6:42 – I'm not sure if I'm going to watch the new Charlie's Angels, but they are real pretty, so there's that. I like the blond one's sassy bob haircut.

6:46 – Julianna Margulies looks kind of like a skyscraper, but not in a bad way?

6:48 – Christina Hendricks!! Your boobs look normal for once!!! (I.e. not like this.) Also Jesus Christ what I would give to know the secrets of having that exact hair color. She's so hot. It pains me that she often dresses so unfortunately, but today she really does look beautiful.

6:50 – Time for some "exclusive 90 second film" by/about Dior? Whatevz.

(90 seconds later) I can sum up that "film" in three words: gold, naked, breathy. That's all you need to know.

6:53 – There is a "super new" show on E! called Dirty Soap. Yep, that sounds about right.

6:54 – Tracy Jordan/Morgan! Brian (who had retreated into the bedroom) heard his voice and came in to remind me of the best thing Tracy Morgan has ever created.

7:01 – Lots is happening, but I'm eating. I'll get back to you.

7:02 – Steve Carell and wife. Both look good. Let's get some trainwrecks up in here, huh?

7:03 – Joel McHale gets on my nerves in The Soup, which is why I never watch it, but I keep hearing how hilarious Community is. Also, he is wearing a white tuxedo jacket and looks somewhat like a fancy waiter, but he's definitely pulling it off.

7:08 – More things are happening, more people look good... blah blah blah. TRAINWRECKS, where are you?

7:10 – Oooooooh Elizabeth Moss says she is wearing Marchesa. I wonder if Lea Michelle is going to run up behind her and attack her for raining on her "I'm the only one wearing Marchesa" parade? That would be awesome.

7:20 – We went back to NFL for a bit, then came back to see Julie Bowen talking about her son projectile vomiting. We also got some shot of the woman that plays Robin on How I Met Your Mother in a really nice blue color and Naya Riviera wearing black. Sass.

7:27 – And now Will Arnett is interviewing Amy Poehler. "I heard [your dress is] made out of 100 dollar bills, is that true?"

7:29 – Aaaaaaand Gwyneth Paltrow – whose name I spell as "Gwenyth" literally EVERY single time – is wearing a belly shirt? Or maybe that's illusion netting? Also it's real sheer pretty much everywhere with lots of beading covering the bits. It... is almost a good look. But in the end, almost still = girl, WHAT. But I think your shoes are cute, G!

7:32 – I should take this moment to clarify that when I say I'm wearing norts, I mean Nike shorts... not the other thing urbandictionary defines "norts" as.

7:35 – Heidi is wearing a Christian Siriano dress with an awesome giant ballerina puff skirt (check out THOSE fashion buzzwords). I love that she wears Project Runway winners' stuff. She knows where her bread is buttered. I'm pretty sure I just butchered that phrase.

7:40 – Someone I don't recognize is wearing something in the best green color ever. More please.

7:41 – Diana Agron is wearing something blue with a very demure neckline. Her hair is very Jackie O. These interviews are always SO AWKWARD. She's doing that thing where she's trying to walk away but he says one more thing and she kind of fake laughs and talks as she's leaving. Awk.

7:42 – Ole Hammbone. Giuliana just said to Jon Hamm's wife longtime girlfriend, "Sorry Jennifer, we're going to pretend you're not here for a minute." You wish, G. YOU WISH.
P.s. Come back, Mad Men!

7:50 – Ryan and Giuliana are seriously fawning over Julianne Hough (did I spell that right?). She... doesn't look as good they are saying she is. Oh I think she and Ryan are dating... that makes more sense. But her dress washes her out, while also making me say, "meh" in a really bad way. "You look like an angel," Giuliana said. Oh God.

7:53 – Kristin Wiig as a palate cleanser thank God. She is brunette! And hot. And funny. I love her.

7:54 – They are heading to commercial with "more!" promised, but I need to pop open that wine (I can't believe I've waited this long), so I'm going to switch over to Fox to await the beginning.

7:55 – OF COURSE before I got to the remote they announced, "There are weddings. And then there are weddings of KARDASHIAN PROPORTIONS." Good lord. Peace out, E!

Oscars 2011 Ceremony Liveblog

8:34 – Hee, the skit won me over in the True Grit scene. “I loved you in Tron.” Also, Anne is knocking it out of the park with the accents here.

8:36 – Okay, the skit lost me again on the Black Swan scene.

8:38 – Anne has the shiniest hair, y’all. Dress: meh.

8:39 – Between this and her SNL appearance, Annie sure is riding the whole “naked” thing reallllllly far.

8:40 – Haha the mom/grandma bits are cute. Also, you know they are so pumped to be on TV right now.

8:43 – Oh Tom Hanks, you are fabulous.

8:45 – Alice in Wonderland wins Art Direction! I actually never got around to seeing Alice. I think I was abroad when it came out? Regardless, I bet on it in the office pool (Brian’s office pool), so I’m undefeated so far!

8:47 – I bet on Inception too! I am going to RUN THIS SHIT.

8:51 – First standing O of the night. I hope for the sakes of all the ladies in difficult dresses, there aren’t as many as the State of the Union.

8:52 – HA. James DOES look much better out of the cave. And its cute how flattered Anne seems to be. Unless she’s just a much better actress than I previously thought.

8:55 – “Hugh Jackman is laughing. I don’t know why every Australian thinks I’m funny. Colin Firth isn’t laughing, he’s British.” What does that even mean? I still love this old son of a gun though. He is making the most of his moment, that is for sure.

8:59 – Melissa Leo really was great in The Fighter. I wanted to punch her character literally every time she came onstage – Wait, did she just drop an F-bomb?! Anyway, the character immersion and dedication was great. BUT I still wanted Hailee Steinfeld to win, so boo Melissa. Also, her speech was rambly and then got super intense. WHAT. Hailee’s speech would have been MUCH BETTER.

9:01 – “I’m Banksy.” WHAT.

9:04 – The intros are pretty lengthy tonight.

9:06 – Penny is back on my lap and I'm typing to the side. Apparently the article Brian sent (“Cats Adore, Manipulate Women”) about cats controlling their female owners is true.

9:06 – Mila Kunis rocks. “It would be cool if I was Banksy, right?” – Timberlake. “No.” – Kunis

9:12 – Sometimes I wish I lived in the 20s… except, you know, for the impending world war and all.

9:13 – WHAT are these matching tuxes? They weren’t wearing that before… Right? They look like cater waiters.

9:16 – Brian is dying though these speeches.

9:17 – I really like the presentation of the Best Original Screenplay category, with the text (handwritten and/or type-writer type) overlaid on the clips.

9:19 – Yay for The Social Network and The Kings Speech for Best Adapted and Original Screenplays! Brian and I both LOVE these movies. We rented Social Network and thought it should win everything until we saw The King’s Speech the next day in theatres and immediately jumped ship to S.S. Firth.

9:24 – HAHAHA. I love a good Broadway tribute, especially one that calls a fellow Hollywood actor a “jackass” and references “fake retractable claws.” Also, did I know Anne Hathaway could sing so well?!?

9:25 – Bon soir to you too, Helen!! You sound very sophisticated. Hahaha I love Russell Brand. “My Oscar-winning turn as a Queen was better than Colin Firth’s turn as a King!”

9:30 – Okay, truth time. I am not running this shit in the office pool as I earlier asserted. But I’m hanging in there. I need Geoffrey Rush to win here but I am scared about Christian Bale taking it from me…

9:32 – Damn! Okay, Bale was good, I’ll give him that. But I needed this win. Also, Melissa will clearly not live down that F-bomb all night.

9:34 – Interesting infomercial for DickEklund.com in the middle of Bale’s acceptance. And apparently I missed him forgetting his wife’s name?

9:41 – Loved Anne’s mini-change with the lady tux and sparkly shoes. As for her third look – like the dress, dislike the hair and necklace. Also, just tweeted: "I know a lot of people dislike Anne Hathaway, but I gotta say, she is kind of running this show. And she is very articulate." Word.

9:43: The Best Original Score category is extremely well presented too. Love the orchestra onstage and the intro leading into it.

9:47 – That entire intro was just awk from top to bottom. Also, McConaughy is orange and Johansson’s eyes are doing crazy things.

9:50 – Yay Inception! Your sounds were great, apparently.

9:55 – “Congratulations, nerds.” James sounded a little too used to saying things like that. Anne sounded a little too used to giggling at dudes who say things like that.

9:56 – “That’s gross.” HA. Love Cate Blanchett. And loved the way she pretty much literally swept up to the microphone (I totally just typed "microwave," by the way).

10:00 – Aw, the costume design winner is really awk in a cute way. I don’t even think she can hear the “get off the stage” music she is so deep in her notecard. I definitely need to see Alice in Wonderland.

10:05 – Aw, Mandy looks pretty again! LOVE the color.

10:12 – I feel like Jake Gyllenhaal is talking directly to me about the office pool. I haven’t seen any of the shorts and I totally guessed on the ballot.

10:14 – But I got it right!

10:16 – AFRO ALERT.

10:17 – I’m not going to lie, this Harry Potter autotune song is AWESOME!!

10:18 – This whole thing is great. The Toy Story 3 and The Social Network songs were tremendous as well (look, I used a word other than “awesome”!). Also Brian just said (regarding the Twilight song), “That’s true, it’s so awkward that he’s always just sitting around with his abs flexed.”

10:20 – Just saw a tweet that said, “Oprah Boobfrey.” I couldn’t have said it better myself.

10:21 – I like the fringe, Annie. You are saying approximately 87 words per every one of James’. But everyone is tweeting that he is stoned, so I appreciate you stepping up to the plate.

10:31 – Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law are kind of matchy-matchy too. Also, was that story true?! They have great chemistry.

10:41 – SNL already did the “Winter’s Bone” joke, James. But the “How to Train Your Dragon” bit was acceptable.

10:43 – I need a better look at Anne’s new dress (is this #4?), but I like the color a lot.

10:43 – Not sure what this song is, but Florence Welsh has a great voice and I approve of any redhead who defies tradition to wear firey orange.

10:44 – Brian just said, “Uh, woof.” Then he took the remote and changed the channel to ESPN. Gwyneth was the first thing all night he couldn’t take.

10:46 – AS IT SHOULD BE. Randy Newman and Toy Story are classic.

10:48 – What? Is Randy really mad that only four songs were nominated? That was a pretty awk moment.

10:52 – Brian: “Damn this thing lasts a long time.” I’m just glad Celine is here singing to me.

10:54 – “Oh, this is the death montage” - Brian. Yep.

11:01 – Ooh a new outfit! And hairstyle! Blue! (The dress, not the hair). I didn’t even get a good look at the red one. My eyes are starting to glaze over. I can only imagine how many caffeine pills Annie is having to pop backstage to keep up her pep.

11:04 – “The triangle of man love” is definitely the best line of the night. Yay Tom Hooper and The King’s Speech! LOVED IT.

11:05 – Aww, and that was definitely the most genuine mom shout-out too.

11:09 – Okay, most important question of the night: How do I get Anne Hathaway’s eyelashes!?!?

11:11 – HELLO THE DUDE.

11:13 – I love how Jeff Bridges addresses the nominees directly. It seems so genuine. “Annette, Nicole, Jennifer, Natalie, Michelle”

11:17 – I really hate it when one person sweeps the award season for one role. Congrats Natalie and all, but I just want to spread the love around, you know?

11:18 – I approved of her speech until she was super awkward while referencing her fiancé and forthcoming child AGAIN. Maybe she wouldn’t feel so awk bringing him up in public if he hadn’t been living with his (non-Natalie Portman) girlfriend when they started dating/babymaking?

11:20 – Ooh Sandy is following Jeff’s lead. “Javier, hola.” "Jeff, dude. You won last year. How much is enough?" (Ha!)

11:25 – COLIN FIRTH OF COURSE. No one else can touch him.

11:28 – Even the “get off the stage” music bows down to Firth. Love him.

11:32 – Anne’s last (presumably) dress: Love the sparkles, hate the quasi-turtleneck thing.

11:33 – Colin/The King’s Speech is the voiceover for the entire Best Picture category presentation. How can it NOT win?

11:36 – The King’ Speech wins for Best Picture and BRIAN WINS THE OFFICE POOL!!!!!!!! Guess who is going out to eat this week!?!?! (Yep, it’s us.)

11:38 – On a closer look, this is definitely the worst of Annie’s looks tonight. Major fug. What are her boobs doing?!

11:39 – As soon as the kids started singing, Brian said, “Okay I’m changing it now.” Off to basketball we are!

11:40 – I’m tired, y’all. Liveblogging is hard (I know, woe is me, I chose to do this to myself). It clearly tired Penny out, who spent the majority of the show a) asleep on my lap, b) asleep on my feet, or c) trying to steal my highlighter. Congrats to all the winners, everyone who actually read all my blathering and I can't wait to cover the next big event!

...and the Academy Award goes to

This is the first year Brian and I have been really excited about the Oscars. Actually, this is the first year I have been really excited about the Oscars themselves (not just the dresses) and this is the first year Brian has known or cared that the Oscars exist.

Part of our excitement is because we have money riding on it. We entered the Oscar betting pool at Brian's work and if we win, our $10 will turn into $80. Eighty dollars, y'all. That still seems like a lot of money to me. 

The other part is that since we are hopelessly old people now, we watch a lot of movies both via Netflix and the Regal Fenway theatre down the road. I think this is the first year I've actually seen more than half of the best picture nominees and it is definitely the first year I looked at things like costume design and cinematography. We loooooooved the King's Speech and the Social Network. We loved with slightly less o's the Fighter and Inception and Toy Story 3 - although they were all pretty amazing. 

So we are pumped. And to share in the excitement, I am going to liveblog the ceremony tonight as practice for any future liveblogging I may be called on to do (hire me, world!). I'll probably miss most of the red carpet pre-shows, because I am off to the Great Bridal Expo (a post for tomorrow, I'm sure) but you can expect my thoughts on the dresses, shoes, movies, winners and losers in as close to realtime as I can manage, with an increading likelihood of capslock yelling and emotional outbursts as we get further into the night and the wine bottle. See you tonight!