Emmys 2011 Ceremony Liveblog

7:59 – Pinot in hand. It's a $9 bottle with a real cork so I'm feeling UNDERSTANDABLY fancy. Let's get to the show!

8:00 – All right, let's see if this opening sequence lives up to Lynch's promises... It starts out a bit weird. Jane Lynch does have a good singing voice though.

8:02 – Asian jokes!

8:04 – RON SWANSON. They really do have a ton of actors involved in this shindig.

8:06 – Okay the Mad Men bit was good. Also, "A world where high school students look 24."

8:09 – "Try doing that in triple Spanx." PREACH.

8:10 – Brian is immediately not amused by the singing intro sextet.

8:12 – I, however, really like the montage of comedy shows. Number 1, because they showed a bunch of 30 Rock and Number 2, because (nearly) ALL MONTAGES ARE AWESOME. Oooh two sips in and the mad caps are starting. This might get crazy.

8:16 – Jane Lynch said they were doing some things differently this year, and I guess the voiceover man providing interesting facts about the winner is an example of that? I hope that becomes awesome later if RON SWANSON wins.

8:19 – Can someone explain why no dude from 30 Rock or Parks and Recreation was nominated for supporting dude?!?

8:28 – I've been checking up on the tweets from the evening. Check out @TomandLorenzo for some great pictures of the dresses so far. Ricky Gervais was funny but since I don't watch Modern Family regularly, I'm bored of them sweeping the awards so far.

8:30 – WHAT. I think I must have missed Zoey Deschanel during one of the NFL breaks. She looks exactly like one of those Barbie doll cakes where its just a giant skirt with the doll shoved into it.

8:31 – Modern Family AGAIN what???

8:40 – Charlie Sheen shut up. God. EVERYONE in the world is over you.

8:43 – I'm glad someone who isn't on Modern Family won. Jim Parsons both seems and looks adorable (yes, those are distinctly different things) and he is rocking that tux despite his obvious nerdstyle.

8:45 – YES. Finally something hilarious is happening. You go Amy Poehler. Get your ass up on stage. I love how the other nominees are like, "Uhhhh, you know what, screw it, I'm getting on stage too."

8:46 – I'm loving how Amy is taking this to FULL ON Miss America levels with the hand-holding and fanning her face. This. Is. Awesome.

8:47 – AND THERE IS A CROWN. Where did that come from?!

Okay, even though yet another show I don't watch is winning, Melissa seems so genuinely thrilled and also was freaking hilarious in Bridesmaids, so yay. (Actually, I'm reading a bunch of tweets saying that the only reason Melissa won was Bridesmaids, which I'm actually totally fine with. It's not going to win an Oscar anytime soon, but Bridesmaids deserves some award love. It is a truly great comedy.)

9:00 – These pre-taped bits and montages are the best part of the show so far. They are seriously good. I loved Amy Poehler speaking in Dothraki on the Office spoof. She is the lady of the night, it seems.

9:01 – Ha. Fanny pack. You joke, Jane Lynch, but I love a good fanny pack. 

9:05 – I love you Stephen Colbert. Yet another example of pre-taped stuff being the best part of the night. The intros to this category (which I didn't catch so I'm going to call it the Comedy News/Talk Show Writer Category) are QUALITY.

9:08 – This is the third time they've played the Dior "film." Still gold, still naked, still breathy.

9:13 – Lonely Island. YES.

9:14 – Michael Bolton and the Isle of Tortuga? "Freak Bill Macy"? Akon? This is all so absurd and I am loving it.

9:16 – How much money do you want to wager that Lea Michelle is hoping rumors start that she and Ian Somerhalder are secretly dating? I find her so hilariously out of touch with the world. She can deny the diva label all she wants, but it's useless when she poses and preens and is so intense about everything.  (P.s. Yay SNL!)

9:25 – I love The Daily Show but I really hope Colbert wins it one of these days.

9:27 – Yeah those Emmy tones really weren't a good idea.

9:28 – The drama intro montage was less successful than the two previously, possibly because drama just inherently provides less montage-worthy moments but also possibly because they didn't use nearly enough Game of Thrones clips. That shit gets real.

9:30 – The presenter and voiceover dude pronounced the winner's name in completely different ways. Awk-ward. Also, since neither Mad Men nor Game of Thrones won, I'm uninterested.

9:34 – See previous statement.

9:42 – This countdown clock must be really intense, because almost every winner has mentioned it so far. I wonder what happens when the clock runs out? I hope a trapdoor opens up and the winner falls through... Or maybe a giant hook yanks them offstage like in old vaudeville shows. Or maybe Sue throws slushies at them.

9:44 – There's was a ton of red on the red carpet, but I think this is the best one so far. Who is this chick? I can't remember her name but she is smokin' and this sweetheart neckline sparkly red number is HOT. (Edited to add: Her name is Kerry Washington).

9:45 – Yay Peter Dinklage!! FINALLY a show I actually watch! Also, the voiceover just said, "Game of Thrones is filmed on location in Awesomeland." That sounds like something a 12 year old boy would say. The voiceover is getting increasingly lame. Don't ruin the first winner I actually care about, Emmys.

9:47 – I love that he thanked his dog sitter, because even if I was jetting off to Hollywood to win a fancy award, I would still totally be concerned about Penny's wellbeing.

9:48 – Brian and I watched the entirety of Game of Thrones while we hid out from Hurricane Irene, and it is awesome. While we were watching it I kind of hated it because so many terrible, terrible things kept happening and all the terrible, terrible people kept getting the upper hand over other obviously superior people, but every time an episode ended, I wanted to watch the next right away. And the ending was EPIC. I am now reading the books because I can't wait for the next season and because I like to do things nerdstyle.

9:52 – "Now 52% of all TV is set in Jersey... Sarah Palin's Alaska? JERSEY."

9:54 – I didn't understand why Katie Holmes was at the MTV Video Music Awards, and I don't understand why she's here. That is all.

9:59 – Brian walks in the room.
Brian: "What is this?"
Me: "Lead actor. Jon Hamm lost."
Brian: "Who won?!?!"
Me: "Someone from Friday Night Lights."
Brian: "Oh my god. This show is such a joke."
Brian walks out of the room.

10:02 – At this point in the night, I'm going to need more wine or more Ron Swanson. Also I just accidentally threw the remote across the room (it slipped). Also, there is an hour left according to my TV info button. What other genres are there?!

10:05 – HOLY SHIT.
Dear LL Cool J,
You have a good thing going with NCIS: LA. You DO NOT need to come back to your rap career, especially if it means sputtering this angry/confusing stuff about movies and queries. I say this as a friend.
Xoxo,
Kathleen

10:07 – I haven't seen ANY of the miniseries/movies. I have only heard of two. Cue the point in the show where I just drink and half pay attention and play on Pinterest.

10:08 – "You know, many people are curious as to why I'm a lesbian. Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Entourage." HA.

10:12 – Professor McGonagall for the win!

10:17 – The accountants part of the shows always make me smile because my mom is an accountant and it's rarely such a glamorous profession. Hi mom!

10:20 – I know everybody is going to go after Amy Poehler for her sartorial choices, but I just love her so much that I can't. You wear whatever you want, you hilarious lady. And then you call me and we will hang out in sweatshirts and leggings and milk will probably come out of my nose.

10:22 – I just read what I wrote and I want to assure everyone, I have not had THAT much wine. I stand by what I said.

10:23 – Brian heard the music and called from the other room, "Is this the death montage?" Then he added, "I hope Lil Sebastian is on there." ME TOO.

10:25 – I don't know any of the people singing "Hallelujah," but damn do I love this song. (It's less mournful/beautiful as a quartet though.)

10:35 – Is this always the order they give the awards in? Why don't they do this first and save drama for the end? Everyone is asleep right now, Emmys. Just so you know.

10:45 – Jane Lynch is doing her best but this show is dying, fast.

10:48 – Time for the real shit. MAD MEN wins!! So deserved.

10:55 – I like how Gwenyth/Gwyneth walked up to the mike and basically said, "The prompter's down, I'm not going to embarrass myself so I'm going to say as little as possible, here are the nominees," and then everybody clapped like she delivered the Gettysburg Address.

10:57 – Clearly I need to watch Modern Family more. I've seen it and I know it's funny, but I've never committed to adding it to my life as something to watch every week. Maybe if I do that I won't be as bored/annoyed that they win everything next year. Actually if I do that, some other show that I don't watch will win everything next year.

10:58 – HA. (After talking about a gay couple thanking them for not only making people laugh but also making them more tolerant): "Yes, we're showing the world there is nothing wrong with an old man married to a hot young woman. And looking around the room, I see many of you agree." Okay, I think that line alone convinced me to add Modern Family to my TV lineup.

11:00 – That's it, y'all. I can't wait to see whose dressed get lauded and whose get ripped tomorrow. See you in February for the Oscars! (You know, unless you want to keep reading my blog until then, which I ENCOURAGE.)

Emmys 2011 Red Carpet Liveblog

Hello friends! It's award season again and I'm going to liveblog it! I'd say it's because I believe my opinions need to be heard on this vitally important matter... but really it's so I can have an excuse to drink mass quantities of wine and talk about pretty dresses. I'm decked out in my very best duds (red norts and a brand new large Hanes v-neck T, obviously) and ready to go!

I am running out to get sustenance for us, so Brian will be taking notes until my return. Here are his thoughts on the red carpet goings-on at E!:

Nina Dobrey(sp?) from the Vampire Diaries is ssssmokin’. She “owns nothing she is wearing”. Some sort of rumor about her and some guy – status = who knows. She “would be his arm candy” if she was walking with him. She’s dumb. 

Pennycat looks like she’s been on a diet. That chica licks herself so much – no one else could pull that off in public…especially with such a fluffy figure.

Colby someone looks good in a blue dress according to Ozzie Osbourne’s daughter with spiky hair.

Kathleen looks super sexy tonight. She’s wearing Walt Disney’s “hottest new piece”, the Mickey Mouse classics sweatshirt. Looks super comfy. It just screams “I want to lounge around the house, yet I’m here to party”…a la the tuxedo t-shirt. Totes fab. 

WHOA! I thought a woman was speaking... and then the lady’s voice was coming from a man in a tuxedo. No shit. Maybe someone is pitching that voice? Dubbing it in? Freaky. The guy is not Ryan Seacrest, because I just saw him and his voice sounded burly, comparatively.

6:17 – Aaaaaaaaand here I am, bearing Thai AND sushi – that's right, we don't skimp when it comes to award show food around here. Let's dive right in. Apparently I just missed Lea Michelle but saw something backless and red as they cut away. Now Sarah Hyland (who looks like the mini version of girlcrush Mila Kunis) is talking about some drama involving Lea Michelle? Apparently she was being interviewed by Joan Rivers and imitating how Lea poses and then Lea got all offended over it? I’m not sure. But I do know that Sarah Hyland is adorable and is so over the drama which makes me want to be her friend.

6:20 – Literally the second E! went to commercial Brian called, “Channel recall!” so it’s over to NFL for a few.

6:24 – Yay Jane Lynch! She is hilarious. And NOT wearing a lesbian power suit for once!! She looks good.

6:26 – Apparently the opening sequence will be “epic.” We’ll see, Lynch, we’ll see.

6:30 – Paula Abdul blah blah I really couldn't care less. Time to shove some edemame in my face.

6:35 – Kaley Cuoco just (sarcastically) said, "I'm just so chic, you don't know." And also her dad is her date. New girlcrush brewing? Possibly.

6:37 – Okay finally got Lea Michelle in the 360 cam. She really does pose so over-the-top with this shit. Okay now she really IS posing on the carpet like she's on ANTM. Girl. Also she is wearing Marchesa and Marchesa agreed that they would dress her and her alone for the Emmys and you KNOW she is eating that shit up.

I also got a peek at Nina Dobrev (see Brian's comments above), also in red. She is so pretty, y'all. And her dress is so pretty.

6:42 – Another commercial break = crab rangoon break. Brian just said, "When does the actual show start?" He can't believe there is another hour and 15 minutes of this.

6:42 – I'm not sure if I'm going to watch the new Charlie's Angels, but they are real pretty, so there's that. I like the blond one's sassy bob haircut.

6:46 – Julianna Margulies looks kind of like a skyscraper, but not in a bad way?

6:48 – Christina Hendricks!! Your boobs look normal for once!!! (I.e. not like this.) Also Jesus Christ what I would give to know the secrets of having that exact hair color. She's so hot. It pains me that she often dresses so unfortunately, but today she really does look beautiful.

6:50 – Time for some "exclusive 90 second film" by/about Dior? Whatevz.

(90 seconds later) I can sum up that "film" in three words: gold, naked, breathy. That's all you need to know.

6:53 – There is a "super new" show on E! called Dirty Soap. Yep, that sounds about right.

6:54 – Tracy Jordan/Morgan! Brian (who had retreated into the bedroom) heard his voice and came in to remind me of the best thing Tracy Morgan has ever created.

7:01 – Lots is happening, but I'm eating. I'll get back to you.

7:02 – Steve Carell and wife. Both look good. Let's get some trainwrecks up in here, huh?

7:03 – Joel McHale gets on my nerves in The Soup, which is why I never watch it, but I keep hearing how hilarious Community is. Also, he is wearing a white tuxedo jacket and looks somewhat like a fancy waiter, but he's definitely pulling it off.

7:08 – More things are happening, more people look good... blah blah blah. TRAINWRECKS, where are you?

7:10 – Oooooooh Elizabeth Moss says she is wearing Marchesa. I wonder if Lea Michelle is going to run up behind her and attack her for raining on her "I'm the only one wearing Marchesa" parade? That would be awesome.

7:20 – We went back to NFL for a bit, then came back to see Julie Bowen talking about her son projectile vomiting. We also got some shot of the woman that plays Robin on How I Met Your Mother in a really nice blue color and Naya Riviera wearing black. Sass.

7:27 – And now Will Arnett is interviewing Amy Poehler. "I heard [your dress is] made out of 100 dollar bills, is that true?"

7:29 – Aaaaaaand Gwyneth Paltrow – whose name I spell as "Gwenyth" literally EVERY single time – is wearing a belly shirt? Or maybe that's illusion netting? Also it's real sheer pretty much everywhere with lots of beading covering the bits. It... is almost a good look. But in the end, almost still = girl, WHAT. But I think your shoes are cute, G!

7:32 – I should take this moment to clarify that when I say I'm wearing norts, I mean Nike shorts... not the other thing urbandictionary defines "norts" as.

7:35 – Heidi is wearing a Christian Siriano dress with an awesome giant ballerina puff skirt (check out THOSE fashion buzzwords). I love that she wears Project Runway winners' stuff. She knows where her bread is buttered. I'm pretty sure I just butchered that phrase.

7:40 – Someone I don't recognize is wearing something in the best green color ever. More please.

7:41 – Diana Agron is wearing something blue with a very demure neckline. Her hair is very Jackie O. These interviews are always SO AWKWARD. She's doing that thing where she's trying to walk away but he says one more thing and she kind of fake laughs and talks as she's leaving. Awk.

7:42 – Ole Hammbone. Giuliana just said to Jon Hamm's wife longtime girlfriend, "Sorry Jennifer, we're going to pretend you're not here for a minute." You wish, G. YOU WISH.
P.s. Come back, Mad Men!

7:50 – Ryan and Giuliana are seriously fawning over Julianne Hough (did I spell that right?). She... doesn't look as good they are saying she is. Oh I think she and Ryan are dating... that makes more sense. But her dress washes her out, while also making me say, "meh" in a really bad way. "You look like an angel," Giuliana said. Oh God.

7:53 – Kristin Wiig as a palate cleanser thank God. She is brunette! And hot. And funny. I love her.

7:54 – They are heading to commercial with "more!" promised, but I need to pop open that wine (I can't believe I've waited this long), so I'm going to switch over to Fox to await the beginning.

7:55 – OF COURSE before I got to the remote they announced, "There are weddings. And then there are weddings of KARDASHIAN PROPORTIONS." Good lord. Peace out, E!